An Ode to America’s Least Favorite Adjective

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Out of the words that are commonly voiced
The worst one of all is the monster called “moist.”
   It grates at the ear, it brings us to cringe
   It causes the meek to completely unhinge.
Five letters long, each one innocuous
Together they form something truly shock-jockulous.
   If a Hall of Aversion is ever constructed
   “Moist” is first-ballot, promptly inducted.
This magical adjective often appalls –
Merely its sound could peel paint off your walls.
   In polite conversation it’s downright untoward
   To foist upon others such nails on a board.
What is it about “moist” that’s so prone to disgust?
What gives it such unwelcome sonorous thrust?
   It’s not as if “moisture” leaves us unwound.
   We “moisten” a cloth without fearing the sound.
When describing a cake, our options are few,
“Springy” or “damp” quite simply won’t do.
   Betty Crocker herself makes Super Moist claims.
   What can we do? It’s baked into the name!
It conjures up thoughts of bodily function
Often related to the upper-leg junction. 
   No fault of its own, but it can’t be unheard –
   For pete’s sake, let’s just find a different word
Since “moist” is the word we’d most like to hoist,
A moratorium on moist would make us rejoice.
   So away with the “moist!” Tell your uncles and aunties!
   Before we move on to its evil twin, “panties.”

© Erik Lien