Reducing the Work When You’re Done with Your Business

---

I think I’ve the eye of a modern-day guy
With modern-day gent sensibilities
I seek to do right, so I lean toward polite
When using the privy facilities.

I thus find it meet that we lift up the seat
Of the throne when we go number one
And before washing hands, a similar command
To set it back down when we’re done. 

But it seems there’s a few with a different view
Thinking lifting’s the end of their duty
Believing it’s fitter to leave the next sitter
To take care of their very patootie.

Whether entitled or lazy, their reasoning’s hazy
They strain in defending their logic
Or they take odd delight to claim equal rights
For a function that’s just biologic.

It’s less of a deal out in public, I feel
Where split restrooms help deal with this clash
The loos are designed with equipment in mind
And standers mind only their splash

But back at the house certain rules we espouse
For we all use the same water closet
Where some view it naughty for the seat on the potty
To stay up once we make our deposit.

We fret about grip, fearing fingertip slips.
Cheap plastic seats land with a snap.
Those that aren’t junk make an echoing clunk
Like a crocodile clapping its trap.

It’s worst in the night when our bladder is tight
And we wake to put down the revolt
We try to avoid making loved ones annoyed,
With a 2am porcelain jolt.

But hark! There’s a style that goes the next mile, 
A simple and thrifty invention.
The slow-closing seat achieves quite the feat:
Its “slam” is too quiet to mention.

It serves every goer who needs it to lower – 
They just have to nudge it back down
Its magical hinge leaves no one to cringe
‘Cause the seat lands with nary a sound.

You’ll hardly believe it: No excuses to leave it
In an unwelcome upward position
Ten seconds to fall, it accommodates all
Without further culture collision.

No more bending down, this seat will astound
As it alights just as light as a bird.
Simply drop a few clams to avoid future slams
With closings that now go unheard.

Just do not forget that not every toilette
Has a seat that won’t let you slam it
Or you’ll find yourself doomed to sound a big boom
Followed close by an ear-splitting “dammit!”

© Erik Lien